The £15 Relegation Dividend

 

There is nothing quite like the terrifying mystery of a memory you never possessed. Yesterday, I stepped into my usual barber’s shop, only to be greeted by the customary, hearty "hello mate," swiftly followed by the deeply alarming declaration: "I owe you a free haircut."

Now, I cannot remember what I had for breakfast, let alone what transpired in the distant mists of last August. But one does not look a gift trim in the mouth. I simply went with it, nodding sagely while entirely out of my depth.

Apparently, during the sunny optimism of late summer, I had looked upon our beloved West Ham United and confidently predicted our utter ruin and relegation. My barber, a man of stouter faith, had countered with, "No chance, you'll finish mid-table mate... I'm so sure that I will give you a free haircut if you are."

And so, here I sit. My head is gloriously aerodynamic, my wallet is exactly fifteen pounds heavier, and I am still absolutely clueless as to whether this conversation ever actually took place. There is a very real, tragic possibility that some other poor Hammers fan is currently wandering around Essex, utterly robbed of his rightful winnings, while a confused, beautifully coiffed bloke reaps the rewards of a bet he forgot he made. Classic relegation bonus, really.