The Great Re-Humanising Project

 

Switching from night shifts back to normal sleep is basically a three-stage transformation sequence.

Phase 1: Vampire Mode

Wide awake at 4am, hissing at sunlight, eating cereal like it’s a survival ration. The sun becomes a personal enemy, aggressively breaching the curtains. Classic dawn move.

Phase 2: Zombie Mode

Technically alive, spiritually buffering. Walking into rooms with absolutely no idea why, staring blankly at the kettle like two well-fed pigeons contemplating a Rubik’s cube. Total cognitive tragedy.

Phase 3: Semi-Human Grumpy Mode

Functionality returns, but every minor inconvenience feels like a personal attack from the universe. A dropped spoon is a crisis; a slow Wi-Fi connection, an outright declaration of war.

It gets harder with each passing year. The body clock used to bounce back like a rubber ball. Now it resets like an old Windows PC running on fumes; whirring loudly, emitting a faint smell of burning, and terribly confused by the concept of 10:00 PM.

Still, if all goes to plan, there hopefully won’t be too many more years of this beautifully unnatural transition. One day, we shall join civilisation permanently. Hopefully.